Roasting is an art form, blending wit, humor, and a pinch of savagery. Done right, it can leave your audience in stitches and your target with a (mostly) good-natured smile. Here’s a guide for comedians to perfect the craft, featuring 45 roasts categorised into light-hearted, observational, self-deprecating, classic, and savage.
Light-Hearted Roasts
Light-hearted roasts are playful and friendly. They’re perfect for teasing without offending.
- “You’re the reason they had to put a ‘Do Not Eat’ label on shampoo.”
- “You bring everyone so much joy—when you leave the room.”
- “If you were a vegetable, you’d be a cute-cumber.”
- “Did it hurt when you fell from the vending machine? ‘Cause you’re a snack!”
- “You’re not stupid; you just have bad luck thinking.”
- “I’m not saying you’re clumsy, but you could trip over a wireless internet connection.”
- “You must have been born on a highway because that’s where most accidents happen.”
- “You’re like a cloud. When you disappear, it’s a beautiful day.”
- “You’re proof that even nature makes mistakes.”
- “If you were any more inbred, you’d be a sandwich.”
Observational Roasts
Observational roasts focus on specific behaviors or traits, often drawing attention to quirks or oddities.
- “I’ve seen more life in a trampled worm than in your Friday night plans.”
- “You have the charisma of a damp rag.”
- “Your idea of a fun Saturday night is reading the terms and conditions.”
- “You’re about as useful as a screen door on a submarine.”
- “You’ve got a face for radio and a voice for silent films.”
- “You’re like a software update—whenever you’re around, everything goes wrong.”
- “Your cooking is so bad, the flies chipped in to fix the screen door.”
- “You’re the human equivalent of a participation trophy.”
- “Every time I see you, I’m reminded that even the best of us have flaws.”
- “You have the social skills of a dial-up internet connection.”
Self Deprecating Roasts
Self-deprecating roasts turn the humor inward, showcasing your ability to laugh at yourself.
- “I’m not saying you’re old, but your birth certificate is a rock.”
- “I’m not lazy; I’m just on energy-saving mode.”
- “I’m not fat, I’m just easier to see.”
- “I’d agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong.”
- “I’m on a seafood diet—I see food and I eat it.”
- “I’m not great at the advice; can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?”
- “I’m not saying you’re slow, but the snails in my garden are ready to give you a medal.”
- “I’m not arguing; I’m just explaining why I’m right.”
- “I’m not short; I’m concentrated awesome.”
- “I’m not awkward; I’m just socially selective.”
Classic Roasts
Classic roasts never go out of style. They’re timeless zingers that everyone can appreciate.
- “Is your name WiFi? Because I’m feeling no connection here.”
- “Are you always this stupid, or are you making a special effort today?”
- “I’m not insulting you; I’m describing you.”
- “You’re as useless as the ‘ueue’ in ‘queue’.”
- “I’d agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong.”
- “You couldn’t pour water out of a boot if the instructions were on the heel.”
- “You’re like a lighthouse in the middle of a desert—bright, but pointless.”
- “If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person on the planet.”
- “You’re about as sharp as a marble.”
- “I’d explain it to you, but I left my crayons at home.”
Savage Roasts
Savage roasts are for those rare occasions when you really want to make an impact. Use sparingly and with caution.
- “If you were twice as smart, you’d still be half as smart as average.”
- “I’d explain it to you, but your brain would explode.”
- “You bring everyone so much joy—when you leave the room.”
- “You’re the reason God created the middle finger.”
- “I’m not saying I hate you, but I’d unplug your life support to charge my phone.”
- “You’re like a software update—whenever you’re around, everything goes wrong.”
- “If you were any more inbred, you’d be a sandwich.”
- “You’re the human equivalent of a participation trophy.”
- “You have the right to remain silent because whatever you say will probably be stupid anyway.”
- “Your secrets are always safe with me. I never even listen when you tell me them.”
Roasting is all about timing, delivery, and knowing your audience. Whether you’re aiming for humor that’s light-hearted or savage, remember that the best roasts are those that leave everyone laughing, including the person being roasted.
Happy roasting!